Perfectly Wrong.

Alright, you’re witnessing something rare…usually, I take my sweet time to write something but this time, I really need to talk about this while it’s fresh in my head. This is also kind of embarassing.

So here’s the embarrassing part: I love watching “The Bachelor” and tonight was the season finale.

The ending was kind of a surprised since Jake chose a girl everyone hated: Vienna.

Vienna winning is the reason why Plato believed in "Philosopher Kings" to make decisions for common people...like our douchebag bachelor.

This came as a surprise to a lot of people due to several reasons: 1) Vienna looks like a horse 2) Vienna is a bad girl…someone that a good guy like Jake, shouldn’t be marrying.

Oppositely, we had the Queen of positivity and the Enchantress of Chastity, Tenley:

My unnatural ability to smile 24 hours a day hides the passive aggressiveness buried deep within. One day, I'm going to kill your puppy.

While comparing the physical looks of Tenley to Vienna would be analogous to comparing the sleek style of a Lamborghini Gallardo to a half-decrepit Mexican donkey, we have to go beyond the surface to understand why Jake picked Vienna over Tenley.

So there I was, watching this show in amazement as Jake struggled to pull every cliche out of his ass to not look like a jackass on tv, as he attempted to break up with Tenley in front of millions of viewers. Then he said something that I think made perfect sense to me (but I think he said it to cover his ass). This is what Jake said:

“Tenley, you are absolutely perfect…but there’s something in me that doesn’t feel it”

From Jake’s perspective, he told Tenley that she was perfect to make her feel better. Then he ran and hid behind the “I don’t feel it” excuse so that he can’t be faulted for choosing Vienna simply because Tenley wouldn’t put out (which is my theory).

Going back to what Jake said, I think this is what he should have said:

“Tenley, you are absolutely perfect…but you’re just not my perfect”

You see, boys and girls, while the concept of “perfect” exists in things that are objective (such as a math test, a figure skating routine and a batting average) when it comes to the touchy-feely things such as “love” and “Chemistry”, the concept of “perfect” is different in every single person’s mind.

On paper, Tenley was perfect: she was cheery, positive and smiley…all the things conventional society would designate as “positive features” one should look for in a mate. What if we don’t want that in a mate?

Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you something about me:

I hate perfect people.

Anyone who knows me knows that I’d rather date a pornstar than a runway model because I don’t like it when people are too beautiful. Perfect people scare the shit out of me. I’d prefer people that have issues because that shows that they’re human and it makes me feel human. As well, perfect people are boring. Everything’s so…clean and perfect. We might as well go live in Singapore.

I think my sentiments can best be described by the lyrics of Garbage, in their song “Only happy when it rains”

I'm only happy when it rains
I'm only happy when it's complicated
And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains
You know I love it when the news is bad
Why it feels so good to feel so sad
I'm only happy when it rains

I'm only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad, sad songs
I'm only happy when it rains

I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn't accidentally tell you that
I'm only happy when it rains
You'll get the message by the time I'm through
When I complain about me and you
I'm only happy when it rains

I think Jake feels the same way which is why he chose the person everyone hated, Vienna over the epitome of perfect: Tenley.

I’ve met tons of perfect girls in my life: consultants, lawyers, etc…real Type A girls looking for Type A guys. These girls scare me since they’re so Type A, they already have their life planned out and they’re looking for the guy to fit into their life plan. I wonder if they have a timeline drawn out as to when they’re supposed to start popping out kids.

So I don’t like perfect people and I’m the last guy who’s perfect: I’ve been a “B” student my whole academic life and I’ve failed in a lot of stuff (by the way, it helps if you don’t really give a fuck about failing) Just as much as I reject girls, tons of girls have said no to me before…big deal right?

What bothers me the most is when I think that a girl says “no” to me because I don’t portray the objective definition of what’s supposed to be the “perfect man.” I was thinking about this the other day when I was driving (note: I get easily distracted when I drive and my mind wanders – don’t tell my insurance company): I was pondering my lot in life (aka: why am I still single while most of my friends have girlfriends?) when I found a startling pattern: most guys my age have started to conform to this notion of “perfect men”: responsible, career driven, safe, caring individuals.

Usually, they’re professionals who work for a big company and has a down payment on a house. All nice guys and very good at their jobs…in other words, they’re perfect marriage material. Let’s contrast that to me: I don’t know where I’ll be in three months, my money goes to “gentlemanly leisure activities” (boozing, womanizing and gambling) and my hobbies include writing down the list of Obsessive Compulsive Disorders I have. I’d argue that this is far from perfect.

I guess what set off this whole thing was that I met this girl about a year ago and I really liked her. She was a lawyer and I actually felt that we were on the same wavelength and it was going to be one of those Imelda + Ferdinand “let’s plunder the government together” relationships…until she started talking to other guys. I ask around and you realize that your competitor is richer than you and more successful than you. They can give her a Harry Winston and a coat to match. They have their careers in line and you can pretty much see their kids going to prep school. That’s when I realized that I lost to perfection, which you really can’t do anything about. I can’t give her a Harry Winston and my kids will probably end up in public school. Kinda makes me sad…that nobody cheers for the underdogs anymore…no one helps up the girl who gets beaten up in highschool or smiles after getting a B- on their project.

Looking back, I am kind of happy that Jake chose the girl everybody hated over the overwhelming favorite.

He found his perfect.

Just like how I wait for my imperfect.