Hitting 100

So, as “Conventional wisdom” says:

When it rains, it pours.

Good rain: Fat Joe throwing money on you. Bad rain: Fat Joe golden showering you.

This is good when the rain is a good type of rain, like money, wealth or chalupa lollipops although we all know that it goes both ways. Therefore, within these past few weeks, I’ve been going through the bad type of rain, aka the shitstorm in my life, like:

I have to put up with a lot of shit at work + my car is making funny noises + I’m always broke ass = One sad sack.

"So, we hear that you're trying to be productive. It's our job to make sure that doesn't happen"

So one day, I’m double tasking at work = i’m furiously typing away while feeling sorry for myself. With all my problems boiling in my head, I found myself instinctively saying out loud: “I got 99 problems…”

Then I finished the sentence “…but a bitch ain’t one.”

Before I got crucified for saying such a thing, I’d like to point out that this is a line from Jay Z’s song: “99 problems”:

So this is how Jay Z starts off the song:

If you’re having girl problems,
I feel bad for you son.
I got 99 problems…
but a bitch ain’t one.

Note: I wonder if Jay Z would like to recant his statement now that he’s got Beyonce demanding shit.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that at that moment in my cubicle, I felt a bit better since I realized that amidst all this shit, it could be worse: I could be putting up with my girlfriend’s shit too.

Allow me to explain:

So as usual, I’m nosily creeping around facebook when I stumbled upon my friend’s photos. She used to be single…but now she’s not. As logic would dictate, once people are in relationships, they do nothing but put up pictures of how happy they are doing couply things like: going to the park, going to a picnic or going to the Holocaust memorial – you get the point. So I’m staring at these photos and I start feeling that there’s a pattern in all of these pictures: they seem to be doing things I’d imagine only the girl would enjoy.

After the cameras were turned off, he turned that embrace into the Cobra Clutch

For example, she documented their road trip to Buffalo for shopping. If I had to put a wager on this, I’d bet that this Buffalo road trip was the girl’s idea simply because guys hate shopping. let alone driving hundreds of miles to go shopping. I decided to scrutinize the pictures more closely and that’s when I start noticing hints of resentment in the guy’s eyes. I don’t know – it’s like he’s smiling but he’s not genuinely smiling. He’s smiling for the camera, holding her shit. That’s when his strained face took me back to my days in relationships:

When you’re in a relationship, sometimes your girlfriend takes you places you don’t want to fucking be.

I wonder if he’s thinking the same thing. I wonder if he’s doing all these things just so she’ll finally sleep with him. Maybe he bottles all the things that bother him up…until one day, when they get in a fight, it all comes out:

“I hate our stupid shopping trips! I don’t want to carry your fucking bags. Guys think I’m a douche for holding Victoria Secrets!”

In other words, he’s putting up with her shit. Why? Because he has to – that’s what regular people do. She tolerates staring at the wall while you’re at your boy’s house for poker nights and in return, you tolerate lining up with her at the Niagara border for 3 hours thinking up a story to tell the customs office about not buying anything.

I was telling my friend today about how selfish I’ve gotten as a result of being single – I just don’t see the point in doing things I don’t like. Why am I wasting time doing shit I don’t want to do? Aside from having to spend time with someone else, as the boyfriend, you automatically inherit HER problems as well: Co-worker doesn’t get along with her – you’re gonna hear about it. Her civic is making strange noises – you’re gonna hear about it. Cops find 12 lbs of coke in her basement, you’ll have to bail her out…etc.

I know what you’re saying – if you really like someone, then you wouldn’t think it’s a burden and you’d want to do all these mundane, time wasting stuff. I guess that’s true – so far, there’s only been one girl in my life I’ve actually wanted to waste my time with but she’s gone so that’s that.I guess that’s how you know that you like someone – if she says “let’s go shopping in Buffalo” and you say “yes”.

I guess when you’re single long enough, you start valuing your independence and your ability to minimize problems by keeping them only to a one person limit.  When someone comes along however and they really steal your heart, you might just realize that you’re willing to pay the price of faking a smile as you hold her shopping bags, knowing that your problems just increased from 99 to 100.

Till that day comes, I’ll keep my problems at 99.

Note: This is Jay Z...I'm not black.