The New Resolution

Seeing how the New Year is only a few days away, I broke a promise to myself and made a little list of resolutions for 2010. One of the things I wrote down was this:

“Minimize Incidences of Exposure to Player Hating”

Don't hate on Diddy's shirt...it used to be cool in the 90's...unlike his dancing - which was never cool.

I don’t know whether it’s due to a full moon or the winding down of the football season, but recently I’ve been running into a lot of cockblockers everywhere I go. So last night, I was convinced that this abnormally high incidence of cockblocking was God giving me a sign- just like St. Gabriel foretold the birth of Jesus, it was my job to warn my fellow human beings about cockblockers.

Today, I want to talk to you about Cockblocking.

First off, for those that don’t know what cockblocking is – it’s pretty much when someone goes out of their way to prevent you or someone you care about from getting the girl (either her phone number or getting her back to your place). I use the word “someone” because cockblockers can be both guys and girls:

Guy cockblocks are usually guys who secretly have a crush on the girl you’re hitting on, but since he was  never man enough to show his true feelings to this girl, he’ll just make it his life duty to make sure she never meets any guys that are better than him in hopes that she’ll give up trying to find mildly decent guys and just settle for him.

Another type of guy cockblocks are guys who just can’t get any girls so they just want to ruin it for the entire team. Here is an example using video games: The Counterstrike Example

I shouldn't have traded in my bullets for that iTunes coupon...

When I was in University, I got addicted to an online shooting game called “Counterstrike” which resulted in me almost failing a few courses. Anyway, the premise of the game is this: either you’re on the terrorist team or the counter-terrorist team. You fight each other and try and kill each other. Simple.

Well, sometimes you’re in a team of really good players. When you’re in a team of really good players, they’ll take all your kills and you basically do nothing but run around shooting at the walls. Sometimes, when I found myself in a team full of all-stars, I just get pissed off and decide to sabotage the team. So what I’ll do is wait until everyone’s in a tunnel and then I’ll throw a flashbang grenade (which screws everyone on the team since it blinds everyone in the tunnel). Take that for stealing my kills.

I do admit what I did in Counterstrike was an act of player hating (literally) but fortunately, my hating stops at the PC and not in the club. I’m just making a point about people being total dicks. Going back to guy cockblockers, so here are some things they do:

Common Cockblock Maneuvers include:
- Putting his arm around the girl
- Creepily hovering in the background as she talks to you
- Reminding her of things she said at the most inopportune time (e.g. “Remember you said that you didn’t give out your phone number?”) as she’s about to give you her phone number

Angelina was a self-described cockblock in "Jersey Shore" which was why everyone hated her guts.

While the threat of guy cockblocks sound menacing, they can’t hold a candle to the most dangerous species on Earth: Girl cockblocks. Girl cockblocks are the worst sub-human species in the club. While guy cockblocks have a selfish motive, (i.e. he wants the girl for himself) girl cockblockers usually operate out of sheer spite and bitterness. Here is the rationale for girl cockblockers:

First of all, girl cockblocks are either:
(1) in a relationship
(2) not in a relationship.

If they’re in a relationship, she’s in a shitty relationship with some guy who’s probably an accountant and there’s nothing but dullness and a Wii awaiting her in her future. The only reason she’s still in the relationship is because “it’s too hard to start all over again” and given the fact that she’s invested a good chunk of her young life in the relationship, she secretly fears that if she enters the market again at her age, she’ll probably lose out to younger, hotter girls. So, when you’re trapped in a shitty relationship, what else can you do?
Spread your misery around and infect your single friends. Cockblock like the Chinese government’s about to outlaw it.

I think a few lyrics from “Paint It Black” by the Rolling Stones can best describe this girl’s psyche:

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black

"We kick'em to the curb unless they look like...Mick Jagger" Are you sure?

If they’re not in a relationship, the reason why a girl would cockblock her girlfriend is very very simple: she’s just not as attractive compared to her friend – which is why the guys are talking to her friend and not her. Again, to highlight the difference between guys and girls in general:

If one girl is talking to two guys, the guy she’s not interested in will do all the he can to make sure his buddy gets the girl. This is the bro-code.
If one guy is talking to two girls, the girl he’s not interested in will do all that she can to make sure her friend doesn’t get the guy. This is the bitch code.

Common Cockblock Maneuvers Include:
- Telling the girl to go to the bar with her
- Going to the bathroom together
- Pulling her into the dancing circle

Very Important note: I am quite aware of the large amount of creepy guys in the club. Creepy guys hitting on girls is as common as Ed Hardy shirts on douchebags so I’d like to make a very important distinction right now about cockblocking and protecting the girl from creepy guys. Girls have the right to not be harassed by creepy guys – if the girl doesn’t want to talk to him, then it’s okay for her to be rescued by her friend. When I talk about cockblocking however are instances when the girl DOESN’T want to leave the guy. This is when her horse-looking friend is trying to grab her arm to pull her away but she’s clearly pushing her hand away in a non-verbal way of saying “Leave me alone, my horse-looking girlfriend”. It’s very easy to see when a girl is into a guy and when a girl’s just being polite.

"My cousin's the bartender...I know the bouncer...blah blah blah" Your social connections won't compensate for your creepiness.

Advanced Theories in Cockblocking

This section is for the guys: As the “Bro Code” states, while every guy in a bar can be a “bro”, they are not YOUR bro. They are someone else’s bro. As a result, you have no obligation to help out any guy that’s not your bro. This is NOT cockblocking – you are not obligated to help out any guy that’s not your friend if you are both going after the same girl.

Grey Area Cockblockers

Grey area cockblockers are people that have the capacity to cockblock but can be recruited as a friend.
Here’s an example: The girl’s best guy friend.
So you’ve been talking to this girl on the phone for a while now and finally she invites you to go clubbing. Great. When you show up however you see her with a guy. She introduces this guy as “her best guy friend/he’s almost like my brother”.

The million dollar question is: how are you supposed to treat this guy?

Here’s the stuff you don’t know: is he really just a good friend or does he secretly have a crush on her?
If he’s only a friend and he’s a nice guy, then you should be nice to him. If you’re nice to him, then he’ll have a high opinion of you later when she asks him what he thinks about you (you bet your life she’s gonna ask him later).
If he has a secret crush on her, you still have to be nice to him because if you’re not, then he’s gonna give her bad reviews about you. So you’re probably thinking “This sucks. What if he’s a dick to me? I’m not going to roll over for him” Hark, dear friend – this is your saving grace: when it comes to guys they’re really attracted to – girls will go for the guy despite all the warnings from her friends. She doesn’t care – she’ll pay for it later if it goes to shit. What I’m telling you is that even if her guy friend gives you a bad review, she’ll take that into consideration but if she likes you enough, she’ll say something like “maybe that was a one off” and still go out with you.
Hooray for lack of self discipline!

Here’s the second version of grey area  cockblocks – Girl friends.
I had this girl friend once who made it a habit to come and hug me at the worst time: i.e. when I’m talking to a girl. Hugging a guy in front of another girl can be good and bad. It’s good if your friend is good looking. The other girl will say “Wow,this guy knows hot girls! I gots to get with him!”. It’s a bad thing however if your girl friend is Busted Rhymes.
You know who makes really good wingwomen? the girlfriend of your buddy. Girls who are already taken are great in making intros for you to other girls. At first, I thought it was weird to have a girl talk to another girl for me but I’ve discovered that it’s ridiculously effective. You just need to trust it. Just like when I first took swimming courses, I didn’t believe the instructor when she said that i’d float automatically up if i jumped into the water.

What kind of alchemy is this? Floating straight up? How can man defy nature? As well, how can man turn water into wine?

Whatever it was, apparently me and the Pharisees were both proven wrong…all i had to do was trust the system.

There you go…trust the system. Be nice to guy friends and watch out for cockblockers.

Words to live by in the New Year.