This Old House…

As I rang in the new year drinking champagne with my family, my hand moved as someone put their glass against mine. I heard a sound.

Clink.

That clinking sound of two glasses coming together brought my mind back two years to the exact moment when I made a resolution in 2008 never to spend new year’s eve alone again.
Ever.
It’s funny – there are moments in your life that you think are different from the everyday ordinary moments. These “Special” moments like:

- that split second you have in front of your birthday cake to wish for something
- that feeling you had when you actually believed for a moment that she meant it when she said “We’ll always be friends even if we’re broken up”
- the wishful thinking you have when someone clinks your glass on New Years

We spend every day of our lives hoping that our wishes come true – that the alarm clock stays at 6:59 am forever or that we actually win the fucking lottery. We wish for these things everyday but in the back of our minds, we know that’s probably not gonna happen. When we hit “special moments’ however we somehow start believing that because doctors cut your mom open and took you out 30+ years ago or a Pope in the Sixteenth century decided to make today the New Year, you’re actually allowed to have your wish come true.

I always felt that I was too smart to believe in that stuff. While other people got their highs off Glass Menageries or Mary Jane, I always felt that Reality was my drug of choice simply because the highs and lows never wore off.
In 2009, I decided to live uncharacteristically so I contemplated asking God for stuff. Generally, I don’t like asking people for stuff because that would mean that I would owe them something. If I asked God for something, he’s probably going to want something back from me. Since he’s the Almighty, I’d imagine that he probably doesn’t want any possessions I have – not my DKNY jeans or my Hugo boss jacket. He’d probably want something intangible, like my thoughts and love. The problem though is that I’ve already allocated these two things for the nameless girl I anticipated on having by my arms one year from now when I clink my champagne glass again.

God wasn’t an option so I turned to his boss – Destiny. In Greek Mythology, even the Gods were below Destiny and had to observe its will. I asked Destiny what plans it had for me in the future and it gave me the asshole answer of
“We’ll see”.

Finding no solace in any of these upper powers, I decided to rely on myself and start the long trek to wherever it was I was going. I’ve had bumps along the way – wrong turns, delays and rattlesnake attacks but at the same time I also found people along the same path, helpful strangers and 1000+ facebook friends.

As my youth slowly escapes me, I see people all around me getting married – falling like dominoes one after another which begs me to ask: Who am I supposed to fall on?

When I brush my teeth is the deadliest time of the day as my mind starts thinking crazy. Usually, I’d stick my thoughts on my lot in life to the unconscious side of my brain and settle for having it come out in the form of night terrors drenched in cold sweat. However brushing my teeth brings the devil out in broad daylight and given my new compulsive disorder of brushing my teeth several times a day, my devil is beginning to bring sunblock lotion with him.

A while back, a moment of panic flashed through my eyes as I had a sudden thought that I was behind schedule of where my life should be. Here’s the schedule for life: You’re born, you go to school, you get a job, you marry and you die. The moment of panic came about when I realized that I might have missed two words after the third comma from the previous sentence: you get a job and you die.

I asked God if this was so but again, he wanted my heart and my thoughts. Destiny said “We’ll see” so I had no one to answer this but myself again. I looked backwards and looked forwards, thought about my family and friends and felt that I had this one defining moment dawning upon me.

Before I could find out what it was, I felt my hand move and I heard a sound.

Clink.

It was a New Year all over again.