Just win the fucking Superbowl then she’ll love you.

First of all, for those of you out of the loop, this year’s Superbowl is between the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints.As guys high five each other, girls are probably saying: “Who cares?”
You know why you should care? Because of this guy:

I finally finished reading the entire Twilight series!

The man you are seeing above these words is none other than Drew Brees. I like Drew Brees for several reasons. The first reason is that I think “Drew Brees” is a cool name. His name sounds like something you’d use to describe the weather in a novel about two people in love:

“Then, he slowly took her hand…his fingers intertwined with hers and they held their hands tight as they walked along the path of fallen leaves on a cold Sunday afternoon in Massachusetts. Although there was a drew brees that came upon them that made her body cold, his touch combined with his gentle smile made her heart warm.”

The second reason why I like Drew Brees is because he’s someone I want to cheer for as a result of the way he was treated. Basically, Drew Brees was dumped by his old team, the San Diego Chargers for a younger, bigger guy – a douchebag named Philip Rivers:

Jersey Shore Season 2

While Rivers is good, I guess he’s not good enough to take the Chargers to the Superbowl. So, as Drew Brees continues to practice for the big game, Rivers, along with the entire Chargers organization sits at home and watches “The Bachelor” like me (Note: there is nothing wrong with watching The Bachelor) All this time, they’re probably thinking: We shouldn’t have given up on that guy.

You see, when someone you loves you…they believe in you. They believe in your hopes, your dreams, your failures and your stupidity. They’ll want to hold your hand whether you’re soaring in heaven or burning in hell with them.
When someone breaks up with you…they pretty much stopped believing in you. They see your stock price dropping and no longer think you’re a going concern so they’re cashing out and selling you down the river.

This type of shit sucks – it happens to everybody. When it happens to me – I take it hard because I’m a zero-sum type of guy: either you’re with me or against me.
I’m the type to hold grudges: if you’re my friend, I’ll do anything for you. If you’re my enemy, I’ll do anything to destroy you. Just ask anyone who plays Settlers of Catan with me: if you ever rob my resources, I’ll target you throughout the game and the game after that and the game after that.

So, the girl says goodbye to you and leaves you for Philip fucking Rivers. You can do either two things:

1) Sit and sulk
2) Get up and keep living

If you’ve gone out with this girl for a long time and you really loved her, it’s okay to sit and sulk for a bit…but after a while, you have to shake yourself out of it. It’s imperative that you don’t get hung up on one person your entire life or else it’s going to ruin your future relationships. You’re going to be “that guy” with excess baggage.
Being in a rut sucks. When you’re in a rut, you listen to the following music while you cry in the washroom:

- “I’ll stand by you” by the Pretenders
- “Broken” by Seether
- “Don’t Cry” by Guns N Roses

This part is crucial as you need to get yourself out of this mental mode. Going back to one of my weird philosophies – I think that when someone doesn’t meet anyone, it’s because they’re telling themselves they’re not ready. The universe reacts to this stuff and acts accordingly. Here’s an example – I have a love seat from Ikea in my room.

This is a loveseat or a oneseat for a morbidly obese person.

Seeing how I’m the only one who lives in my room, I hardly use the love seat. I only use my room to sleep. As a result, my love seat is usually filled with my unfolded laundry. Whenever I get into a rut and not meet anyone new, I always look at my laundry filled love seat and say “I’m telling myself not to meet anyone”. Then I get obsessive compulsive and fold and put away my laundry. Now the love seat is clear – freeing up a space for someone to sit beside me. That’s when I go out and meet someone new. I told you I have weird philosophies.

Going back to the subject -this is the part of your life when you need friends. Similar to Drew Brees, he can’t get to the Superbowl alone – he needs teammates like Reggie Bush to back him up. That’s what friends are for. A great example of a good friend is “Trent” played by Vince Vaughan in the classic movie: “Swingers”:

Nothing better than a friend to give you confidence. This is also where its good to have girl friends to tell you how great you are. If they’re really cool – they might also give you pity sex.

So, the best way to get out of a hole is to keep busy. In sports, when a shooter is in a slump, there’s only one way to get out of it: keep shooting. Don’t lose faith and you’ll find your groove. Eventually, you might be as bad-ass as Tayshaun Prince:

Once you’re back in the groove, the world will love you again. People will high-five you and suddenly, the girl who left you will want you back again. She might call, text or leave a facebook message but guess what: you’re not hearing any of that. You just won the fucking Superbowl.